something out of nothing

Just this morning I was reading his text messages again. I wanted to cry but i couldn't. I'm still hurting and i feel a lil sad but for some reasons there were no tears coming out. I checked the memory card of my cellphone there's 968MB used... and 80% in this memory card are his pictures, emails, & text messages... i wanted to delete it.... but i can't... i just cant!

Sometimes i believe for something that is impossible.... that out of nothing there will be something.

(aawww image taken from google)

But my bestfriend Theng told me, "i dont want a stupid and pathetic bestfriend". Puhhppplleeaassseee... can i be stupid and pathetic for these few months???!!! can i??? i promise this September i will not be pathetic and stupid anymore! puhhhppllleeaaasssee!!!

benefit of the doubt

When i came here in the States, my bestfriend Theng & I had an agreement before that we will not have a boyfriend who's from our high school... we just wanted a change, not to have a boyfriend in a community where everybody knows everybody. So, she went out with Jeff (now her husband) and of course i was waiting for mine here... and Kwan came (read previous entries about him). After we broke up, i tried to sleep so early... of course no phone calls anymore. hah! That's what long distance relationship was... So, i was trying to have at least a "peaceful" life that time.


...and G came. We were high school schoolmates. He's a year older than me, a bestfriend of our neighbor. I tried to add him in my friendster account, he accepted my request and then he gave me testimonial. I wondered before why he wasted his time to give me testimonial we were never close friends nor had a single conversation with him. ohh well... then we became friends. He rescued me when i was broken hearted. *winks. He was my "Toto G", (when you have this older brother in my province you call him "Toto, Manong, Noy"). He was like an older brother... a friend that i count on. We have mostly same principles in life. He's a nice guy & God's humble servant. .. he's like a man i'm looking for. Then he courted me. "He's too good to be true", some of my friends said. Do i really have to give him the benefit of the doubt?! We talked on the phone for long hours, chat on YM, email everday, cards & postcard. I asked my bestfriend Theng if maybe i don't have to deal with that "agreement" we had before "not to have a boyfriend who's from our high school". Of course knowing her she said some things... & i love her for that. G even called her and talked to her... So, do i still have to give him the benefit of the doubt as what they said? No, right?!!! He sounded so serious... and my friends warned me... "don't give it too much... don't trust too much... " "it's long distance relationship again... loooonnngggg distance... do u know that?! with you and Kwan he lives here in other States and it didn't work how much more in other parts of the world?" Theng even joked around, "best, i think you really love your phone. It's like "here meet my boyfriend aka phonepal". And i fall inlove with G... big time!!! With our situation, i heard many naysayer... in spite of that, i hold on!

I never learned my lesson... my bestfriends kept telling me before to use my head not my heart. "Matalino ka naman sa classroom pero sa lovelife ang bobo mo". I think they are right... i just didn't see it that way thou. *sighs Some people become stupid when it comes to love. I give and give and give and give... and give my love still even i'm hurting. It was great for a couple of months... then, i noticed some changes. I just didn't see it coming this early... was i just dreaming before & now i'm in the real world?! for more than 11yrs we didn't see each other... we even planned to meet up in Pinas... And, now what?!

ahh there are some things i just don't understand... i know where i stand now, but i'm kinda lost still... Can someone give me a navigator system, GPS or a tom-tom, whatever you call it?!

finally

Someone asked me before the reason/s why i didn't say anything to Kwen... never emailed her or texted her my dream & what i found out, why i just changed my phone number & that was it. (to those of you who didn't know the whole story pls read my old blogs) Before, I cannot fathom why they "Kwan & Kwen" did it... And, i think the reasons why i didn't confront Kwen 1.) She was a friend... i treated her as a friend. 2.) Sometimes when i am badly hurt, i tend to say things that are hurtful to others. 3.) There's Kwan that i confronted. Honestly, there were times when i really wanted to seek "revenge"... Whatever it was in my head! I'm grateful it was all in my head.

Today, it's just a different day. I woke up around 4am and when i was thinking deliberately, i thought of "reaching out" rather than thinking of myself. I finally did it, i sent text message to Kwan telling him to pls tell Kwen that i forgiven her (whatever she might think). I already forgiven Kwan long time ago but with Kwen it was just a different story... we never talked, we never heard each other's side. I prefer it this way... and there's nothing to talk about. I completely let go of Kwan already.

As what Kelli Pickler said (thanks Misyel), "Forgiveness is such a simple word but it's so hard to do when you've been hurt".

I'm doing this not only for them... but for myself... and for him (don't know him yet)!

We are grateful for your SUPPORT!

(this poem is taken from the THANK YOU cards we sent to people who supported us. THANK YOU guys for dropping by and leaving me comment, for the text messages, emails, and phonecalls!)

Perhaps you sent a lovely card,
Or sat quietly in a chair,
Perhaps you sent a funeral spray,
If so we saw it there.
Perhaps you spoke the kindest words,
As any friend could say;
Perhaps you were not there at all,
Just thought of us that day,
Whatever you did to console our hearts,
We THANK YOU so much whatever the part.